A post this week from intimacy expert and author Laura Doyle has a list of five things that women do to contribute to their own divorces and what they can do to save their marriages. It may sound harsh, but the Huffington Post piece, “Women: Five Reasons Your Divorce is Your Fault“, does have some sound points.
While women are not solely responsible for fixing their marriages, there are certain areas of our marriage that are easier for us to fix than they are for men or that really fall on our side of the fence when it comes to accountability.
As Doyle says,
I teach intimacy skills, but not to couples and not to men. I only teach them to women because we are the ones who have the power to make our relationships intimate. When a woman learns intimacy skills, her relationship becomes passionate and peaceful in about two weeks. Clients often say, “I feel like I have a new husband.” But he’s not the one who changed — she did, and then he responds to her differently”.
Just as men have certain things that they do/don’t do that can contribute to the failure of a marriage, there are things that women do as well. If you want to save your marriage, you need to work on the things that YOU are doing to hurt it.
Here are the three top points Doyle makes:
1. Don’t reject his efforts to make you happy!
Men’s efforts to please their wives with tickets to a football game or a new vacuum cleaner are legendary. But rejecting your husband’s efforts or ridiculing them is a way of tearing down your marriage. Doyle suggest this experiment for the next two weeks:
However small or imperfect his efforts, receive what your husband offers when he is trying to please or help you. Thank him for his thoughtfulness. Notice how quickly this creates more intimacy as you practice the skill of receiving graciously.”
2. Don’t approach your marriage the way you approach your work.
Women often have to be aggressive and decisive in the workplace in order to compete with, manage or work with men. But don’t make the mistake of being too bossy at home.
If you treat your husband like an employee, he will rebel. Respecting your husband by saying what you want instead of telling him what to do gives him the opportunity to make you happy in a way that no amount of managing ever will.”
3. Don’t withhold sex.
You are his only source for that vital form of connecting, and when you withhold — whether to punish or because you’re exhausted — you miss a chance to receive the intimacy that you both crave.”
Saving your marriage is most definitely a two-person job; but these three rules will help you to do the part of that job that falls on your side of the fence!