One of the most common topics discussed when talking about marriage is romance: keeping it alive, sparking it up, getting it back and
everything in between.
We recently found some excellent videos by Dr. Sheri Meyers, a marriage and family therapist and host of the show Straight From the Heart. In one of the videos, she defines romances as “the language of love that you use”. She goes on to explain that one of the problems she sees in her work is that couples are often speaking two different languages.
As Dr. Meyers put it:
Romance is the language of love that you speak to each other. The important thing is to know what language your partner speaks. What seems romantic to you my not feel romantic to your partner.”
We Get the Concept of Love Languages
We agree wholeheartedly, both as counselors and as a married couple. It took us a lot of mistakes and several years to realize that we were very different in the way we viewed and experienced romance. Ed thought that Cathy would feel romanced with an occasional bouquet of flowers or a nice card on special occasions, but Cathy felt that those things were more obligatory than romantic. They were just Ed doing what he felt he was supposed to do, which didn’t feel very romantic to her.
Are You Speaking Two Different Languages?
If you’re frustrated by attempts at romance that seem to go unappreciated, it may be that you’re speaking French while your partner responds to Italian. They’re both romance languages, but they’re not the same.
Try sitting down with your partner over a glass of wine or a delicious dessert one night this week and copy these questions down on two separate pieces of paper:
- What is the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard about?
- What is the most romantic thing you’ve ever done or tried to do for me?
- What is the most romantic thing I’ve ever done for you?
Answer these questions on paper and then switch. You may be very surprised at what your partner really finds romantic. It should spark some fun and enlightening discussion that will help you to focus your romantic intentions on the right idea!